Embarrassed to be Pagan

I'm posting this on a day other than a Monday because it isn't so much about Paganism but about me, as a Pagan. For the longest time I was embarrassed to tell others that I was Pagan. Prior to that it was practically written on my forehead or one of the first things out of my mouth when I was asked to describe myself.
I turned to Paganism in my teens because I had been raised Christian and I didn't like that god, the god of my father whom I also wished to create distance from. It wasn't an act of rebellion, because Father wasn't around to rebel against and Mother has approved of just about every choice I've ever made (so long as she didn't have to hear to dirty details). I grew up loving magic and fantasy and this sacred my step-grandmother to total craziness (not that the religious of any faith need a reason to be crazy [as I'll post about here in a moment], just a reason to let it out). She just knew that it would lead me down a path to witchcraft and devil worship. As much as I hate to say it, she was right, too. Witchcraft was my go-to after leaving Christianity and worshiping a horned god that dances naked in the fields and seduces maidens and boys alike while encouraging us to "Know Theyself," especially the darker parts, while at the same time being the Illuminating Sun; he might as well be the Christian Devil.
In those early days it was mostly about the magic and I called it Wicca. It wasn't Wicca, but I didn't know that until quite some time later. When I moved out from under my mother's roof and away to a place that had a college I finally got to meet other Pagans. It was a mixed group: older and younger, learned and ignorant, naive and jaded, practice-oriented and spiritual. They invited me to my very first Gathering and that weekend my life changed. I was in love with Pagan People and the Spirit that binds us together. It wasn't about the magic anymore, it was about Spirit and ironically, it was very magical.
So, then I shifted my focus of study from spells and rituals to gods and connection. Eventually the two came to overlap for me.
I soon got involved with the greater Pagan community. And I met people.
I met "Merlin"s and "Maeven"s, "FeatherWind"s and "StormWolf"s.
I met people that wear fantasy-faire clothing to their religious events and people that wear gaudy, over-the top jewelry that provoked others to work as an expression of faith.
I met people that could talk to plants in their own special little language, heard voices telling them to do things, or saw things that no one else could see (ever) and believed that it had nothing to do with any sort of psychiatric disorder.
I met people that were the reincarnations of one of the Dragon Priest-Kings of Atlantis.
I met people that knew about this sudden tear between our world and the Astral Realm and they were the only ones capable of fixing it.
I met people so crippled by how tremendously psychic they were that going out to a bar would kill them and it had nothing to do with agoraphobia, a dislike of cigarette smoke, or loud music but was instead because the emotions of the place and its people would reek havoc on their more empathic (as opposed to empathetic) psyche.
I met people that poured over text books and demanded source material for every aspect of your practice because if it hadn't been research and documented by an archaeological or an anthropologist then it was completely false and blasphemous to do, regardless of the fact that those ancient cultures didn't have some academic instructing them on how to talk to their gods.
I met people that had gone on to become Lords, Ladies, Masters and Third Degrees of their respective traditions and still couldn't manage to achieve anything in their own lives, see beyond themselves or muster up the Will to do some of the most basic of tasks.
And then I started talking to people outside of the Pagan community about being Pagan, and they had met all of those other people, first. I went on to college and met teachers that were honestly shocked that I called myself Pagan because of how informed I was about history, philosophy, psychology and the intricacies of other religions. I told them that intelligent, grounded, non-diluted Pagans existed, we just kept our faith to ourselves, I guess, and seemingly for good reason.
I'll admit that most of my friends call me Fox, I like eccentric clothing and jewelry, I communicate with the Unseen, I talk to my cats, I believe that some of my disorders are enhanced by certain psychic influences, I love to reference my books, and I have a hard time mustering the will to get out of bed some days, too. But, while all of that may be the case, I generally know the right place and time to express all that and I'm medicated to help some of it, too.
I'm not embarrassed as much to say that I'm Pagan anymore, but I'm not so quick to tell people without having proven myself to them in some way, first.
~A. Fox

It's a Double Edged Blade

Since it was my blade that started the event that inspired this blog, let's talk about what it is and what it means. Before we get into the grist of it, there is a super special fancy word to call this item. The word is "Athame" pronounced in a variety of ways, most of them sound somewhat pretentious... The etymology of the word is kind of all over the place, but most figure that Mr Gardner got it from the French version of the Latin text called the Key of Solomon. This book was a Medieval codex of rituals and symbols to summon, bind and command demons and angles. The word was arthame, meaning "quill knife" which is a knife used for sharpening, you guessed it, quills. 
The tradition of using a ritual blade in Contemporary Paganism comes from British Traditional Wicca. Each Wiccan owns her own dagger while the coven collectively owns a sword that is wielded by the High Priestess to form the barrier of the ritual circle. The four central tools of Wicca come from the suits of the Tarot: Swords, Rods, Cups and Coins.
This Tradition holds that the dagger be made of steel because it is an iron alloy, double edge like the power that flows through it, and the handle be black and carve-able so that all the energies between the blade and the person can flow freely. It is a male image made of a masculine substance (iron). With the advent of eclectic Wicca and the generalization of the Pagan movement these sacred knives have taken on many different shapes and make-ups. Just about any blade seems to be usable depending on the person seeking to use it.
I tend to lean a little on the traditional side because I agree with the reasons for the traditions. I've owned my blade even before I knew why the significance of the double edge and black handle. So, this is what mine looks like.

The individual's blade is effectively a ritual phallus or a spiritual penis and as such it is the directive tool for the Will of the wielder. Of all that tools on the NeoPagan line-up, it is perhaps the most... taboo to be handled by someone else. For a witch (because we're talking about a magical implement) to hand someone else her blade is to hand someone the key to her soul, the reigns to her essential power and the ultimate weapon to be held against her. It means a lot to have a witch hand you their unsheathed dagger.  It is considered the greatest disrespect for someone to pick it up without permission (granted, if you don't know that then the owner shouldn't get his panties in a knot...).
There are differing schools on what the blade of the knife can and cannot touch and blood is the highest controversy of all. While eclectic Wiccans hold pretty fast to the idea that blood has not place in their practice, Traditional Wiccans use blood from willing persons in their magic. As a matter of fact, during a Trad Wiccan's first initiation she is pierced to let the blood flow so that she can fasten her cord. Most Kitchen Witches use a normal kitchen knife as their sacred blade and cut all sorts of things with it.  I hold, that if it is a symbol and extension of my own Will that it shouldn't cut unless threatened or in a ritual act that I might wish to use my Will to severe some bond or tie.
There are also plenty of schools that don't use a blade for one reason or another the most common two being "steel is patriarchal!" and "weapons have no place in a faith of peace."
~A. Fox

An Introduction is in Order

I've been lost, spiritually. Depression and fear had taken a lot from me, but now I'm starting to find my way back to be emotional health. Good for me, right? Anyway...
I'm a decade late student, an artist and writer and someone that takes himself far too seriously. Eventually I would like to have a degree in Contemporary Pagan Studies (because that happens... ...), so I thought this might be a good exercise in writing on the topic.
I live with my two partners, my two cats, a close friend and a wiener dog that I host a love/hate relationship with. One of my partners is an Atheist and a Humanist. The other partner is agnostic and doesn't know much about NeoPaganism as a whole. Actually, neither one of them know much of what I believe or do and there really isn't much time in the day for us to all sit down and have me lecture on the ins and outs of my spirituality (nor do I feel comfortable doing that).
This all came to a head this morning when one of my partners picked up my sacred dagger (aka Athame) and unsheathed it to have a look and maybe twirl it around and play with it. I didn't respond very well and it caused a... Situation. Eventually, it all boiled down to the fact that my defunct practice and closed lips have left my loved ones in their uninformed states.
This blog, I hope, will be an outlet for me to write about NeoPaganism, to educate those close to me and maybe get a great book deal! (because... that happens... ...)
~A. Fox